Sandy was drinking at a pub all night.  When he got up to leave, he fell flat on his face.  He tried to stand again, but to no avail, falling flat on his face.  He decided to crawl outside and get some fresh air to see whether that would sober him up.  Once outside, he stood up and, sure enough, fell flat on his face.  So, being a practical Scot, he crawled all the way home.
When he got to the door, he stood up yet again, but fell flat on his face.  He crawled through the door into his bedroom.  When he reached his bed, he tried once more to stand upright.  This time he managed to pull himself to his feet but fell into bed.  He was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He woke the next morning to his wife shaking him and shouting, "So, ye've been oot drinkin' as usual!" "Why would ye say that?" he complained innocently.
"Because the pub called an' ye left yer wheelchair there again!"

A woman is looking to re-enter the work force, now that her kids are all grown up.  But before applying anywhere she goes tae the doctors' fae a wee physical before takin' oan a new joab.  When she returns her hubby notices she's just bustin' wi' pride and all chuffed.

So he says; "What's all this about?"

She says, "I've just been tae the doctors' and  he said I've got the body of a twenty year old, and the heart of a 16 year old".

To which her hubby fires back. . . "What about your 50 year old ass?"

"Your name never came up. " She replies!

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Very funny and interesting.