I would still go ahead with the marriage but... raise the child thats all

What would be your fate in that marriage, and do you think is just easy like that? what do you plan to do in order foster  your real wife confidence?

 he should tell his wife about it and ask forgiveness,because someday the lady in question may come up with the issue. That may cause deadlock. 

If I were the lady, I wouldn't marry him again. i can't say what I'd do if i were the guy.

Quote from: Christian Okoye on 2012-03-30 03:51
In my opinion I think is obvious this man isn't for her as this is sign of danger ahead.

But if you read his question, they are already married traditionally. It was awaiting the Christian ceremony.

Way forward? Keep quiet and wait as you go ahead with the marriage. Bide your time, and see if there really is a baby coming. If there is, take care of baby and only tell wife after five years. Why?

The girlfriend probably planned this all along. She wants the man for herself, and wants to destroy the marriage-to-be. That one is lethal stuff.

Why after five years? Right now, an announcement will only play the girlfriends game by her rules. Women (most of the time) do not get pregnant by mistake. So he will destroy the woman who would have stood by him for a schemer.

But in five years, the wife will  have seen enough to be more forgiving. I know the Christians will bash me, and I am a Christian too, but where is it written that you have to say everything? Life is a plan.

Ladies... these fellows lie to their women all the time. Many learn to live with it and ignore hoping he does not bring some disease. Monogamy is not there in Africa, we know it, but we like the idea and keep hoping that one day...

Five years before telling the lady? this is like using short time solution to solve long time problem. Every relationship has things that power it, trust is one of such. Did you consider what would happen after the guy come with this terrible story?
 

Yes, I considered what would happen. If he tells her now, he loses her there and then. You cant tell a woman you've been up and about months before your marriage and get a way with it. In five years, she is a wife, she is secure. There are very few women who are with a man who does not have another child out there. That is not a big thing once the marriage is sealed. Its the timing that is the problem with this story. Trust? Was there trust when he was impregnating another woman. What trust?

I'm getting your logic, but the thing I see here is that you seem to be more concern about everything being safe now and retaining the marriage, thus ignoring the true ethical thing to be done, also considering the fact that this is mere speculation or perception which might not work the way being expected or predicted.
The question is can future be hung in such thinking?

But surely, what shall be gained by hurting both women? That is true ethics. Ethics are not always about what 'seems' right, but what is for the greatest good. One mistake has already happened, why introduce another. Keeping silent has never been a mistake. No one is ever punished for what they did not say.

Quote...what shall be gained by hurting both women?

You asked sympathetic question here, I agree with you, nothing to gain by hurting two women.

QuoteEthics are not always about what 'seems' right, but what is for the greatest good. One mistake has already happened, why introduce another. Keeping silent has never been a mistake. No one is ever punished for what they did not say.

I understand that the meaning of "ethics" is hard to pin down, and the views many people have about ethics are shaky.
I don't think silent in this context is justified to be regarded as ethics. Ethics is The moral correctness of specified conduct. Which you're suggestion is void of.
Unless if we're looking at it that solution must be provided by any means even if it will destroy the whole thing in the process down the line.

Quote from: Thelma Oguike on 2012-07-13 18:55
...but after all said and done it wil be appropriate to keep off from sex until ones wedding night, with dis, such case wil be vehemently reduced..

We have heard this advice many times from parent to teachers, writers, program presenters most times, but have many youth is obeying this? could this be lack of discipline or out of disobedience?

QuoteEthics is the moral correctness of specified conduct... [and should not] destroy the whole thing in the process down the line.

I prefer to protect the hearts of both women, more than the marriage. If the marriage was to die it will die. But to tell a woman you cheated on her (and without a condom no less) days to her wedding is cruel beyond description.

Morality and ethics are tricky, like you say. The ethics of this matter died when he slept with a girl weeks to his wedding.

Let him at least redeem the morality of it by keeping the pain to himself. Let him face the punishing pain of his deception alone. Then, some day, when all is calm and the wife is settled in, tell her. Again, almost all women are in a relationship with a man with a child out there. Its no issue after the wedding. 

There are factors to be considered. You opinion about this matter really bothers on silence of the pregnant girl/lady, how about if the girl chooses not to be silent i.e. not waiting till that five years you  mentioned to let the new wife know about this?

Chances are, wife wont believe the pregnant girl. If wife believes her, the marriage goes to the dogs anyway. But to quench that potential for disaster, the man can soothe the pregnant girl with promise of upkeep and go on with the wedding. Yes, I know, you will again say I am sweeping the real issues under the carpet. This kind of drama will explode at some point, all I am saying is the man should manage the timing of the explosion so that it causes minimum damage. I am not saying anything here is right. Its warped, but wasn't that the genesis? Warped choices? 

I think you should broke you engagement. I am sure you love the girl who is pregnant so why don't you support her?
your family will understand you, not now, but latter if they are dis agree.